My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
