; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Send help, water and tortillas.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
