she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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