I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
