So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
