Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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