2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
