Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
