My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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