Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
