I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
