I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's paper in my vomit.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
