Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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