I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
