okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
