awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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