Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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