I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
