just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
