dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
