Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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