dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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