with your own penis?
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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