i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
