I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize