im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
