Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
