We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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