I looked at my own cervix.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
