i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
