her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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