weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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