In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
