Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
