Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
