the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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