Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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