my phone needs a breathalizer
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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