Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
