I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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