I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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