haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
