that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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