What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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