I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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