I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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