in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
