Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
