She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize