bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
