I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize