your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
