I wish I could teleport
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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